You're never too old for love
13/01/2010
In a recent article in the Sunday Telegraph, it was estimated that next year there will be some 16 million single people in this country. Many of these will be single by choice, but a sizeable proportion are likely to be dissatisfied with their single status and, judging by the number of dating agencies, internet sites, and newspaper columns around, (including this newspaper’s Connections) many are willing to help them to overcome this.
Some people will be looking for companionship, some for friendship, some for someone to share a particular interest or hobby – and many will be hopeful that “something more” might develop. Those advertising and responding seem to belong to all age, social and cultural groups, so this is not a problem confined to the more mature.
Usually, most people meet and form a relationship with (and in the old days marry) those with whom they are in close proximity – the boy next door, someone they meet at school, college, work, or a social event. However, once past the age when going to clubs and discos to meet prospective partners is an attractive proposition, many will choose the assistance of an outside agency. Young people who are intent upon building a career, or just on having a “good time”, often aren’t ready to commit to a long term relationship when they first meet and fall in love – as most of us did in the 50’s and 60’s.
So when they do decide the time is right, that they do want to settle down, and the biological clock is ticking, they find it much more difficult to meet like-minded individuals – and so use the various agencies that exist to bring people together.
Those of us who are older when we find ourselves alone - through death or divorce - when children have grown and left to establish their own lives and families, and we don’t want to rely on them exclusively for companionship and entertainment – will often be attracted to “lonely hearts” columns and dating agencies as a source of new friends. In fact, a recent survey, again in the Sunday Telegraph, showed that the over 55’s were the highest proportion of people using internet dating sites. Whilst this might be a wonderful way of getting in touch with new people, it is acknowledged that some correspondents may “exaggerate” the truth somewhat, so the advice is to “chat” several times before contemplating meeting face to face, and not to give your surname, address, phone number, or where you work – better to be safe than sorry!
If after “chatting”, or reading the profiles, you decide to take the plunge into the unknown and start meeting people, please don’t have too high expectations and take it slowly. Its likely the people you meet are just as nervous, inhibited, and self-conscious as you are. Even after getting to know someone a little through correspondence, it’s still possible to take an instant dislike to someone when you actually meet. But there can also be the opposite: a feeling of warmth, of recognition that here is someone I could get on with, someone I’d like to get to know better. There may even be some “chemistry” and sexual attraction – the added bonus of the mysterious “maybe more” possibly.
The prospect of embarking on a sexual relationship with someone new can be quite daunting for some, or conversely for others very exciting – whether it follows a long and satisfying marriage, or a protracted period of celibacy. Again, I would suggest taking it slowly, as tension and anxiety are the greatest passion killers, and everyone – particularly women - needs to feel safe and relaxed to fully enjoy sex. There may be a lot of self-consciousness about the effects of time and gravity, concerns about medical conditions, worries about performance – all of which can have inhibiting and negative effects on arousal.
Given time, growing confidence, and maybe the use of some of the aids to enjoyment on the market, there is really nothing to prevent the more mature from enjoying a new sexual relationship and, although there may be no fears about unwanted pregnancy, the received wisdom is that there does need to be care about guarding against sexually-transmitted diseases.
Those who have overcome their doubts, availed themselves of whichever sort of ”intermediary contact” point they choose, started meeting new people, and perhaps embarked on a new relationship then have another hurdle to circumnavigate – informing the family and dealing with their reactions.
It’s surprising how many mixed emotions can be aroused in this situation. Some family members will be delighted, especially if it means they no longer feel fully responsible for keeping you entertained, and glad that “there’s life in the old dog yet”. Others may have difficulty coming to terms with the fact that the way things have been for a long time is about to change. Offspring may be concerned that their anticipated inheritance is going to be frittered away on someone else and having a good time, or that you are being taken advantage of and will be swindled out of your savings. But the hardest thing the young have to confront and come to terms with is that the more mature may still be sexual beings, with needs and wants that they, your family, cannot satisfy.
I remember with some regret the shock I felt when my mother eventually revealed to me that she had replied to various entries in a “lonely hearts” column, and actually met one or two men. She had been widowed in her early fifties, had a full-time job, and belonged to a lot of social groups – all of which I approved of whole-heartedly – but I was stunned at what felt like her betrayal of my father. In retrospect, I feel very sad that I wasn’t able to be more encouraging at the time – although that may not have changed anything - as she remained alone, although not lonely, for the rest of her long life. I can acknowledge now, in retrospect, that this had much more to do with my own hang-ups at the time, than with concerns for her well-being!
So, if you want to widen your circle of friends, and explore the possibility of a new romance, there are lots of people out there willing to help put you in touch with those with a similar desire. All that’s needed really is the will to overcome your own inhibitions and those of your family, the confidence to go for it and the self-belief that you are worth getting to know.
If you have used any dating agencies, internet sites, or Lonely Hearts columns, it would be really interesting to hear from you about your experiences, and your family’s reactions. Please e-mail me at the Mature Times via editorial@maturetimes.co.uk